Self Care

I have been told over and over again how self care should be my first priority.... Sure! And I promise, it totally is.... After I take care of the bills, work, pissy clients, what's for dinner, why don't I have any money in my bank account, yet work all the time? And though I feel this list could go on all day, that would just remind me more and more of things I need to get done, but won't have time to get done, thus ending in me feeling a bit in despair, and ultimately out of control. You have heard of selective hearing, right? I have selective priorities....not really, but I think I pick and choose which ones I stress about and which ones I don't. To be honest, for the most part, I feel like I have this gooey, slime, jello like substance surrounding me. And when something comes my way, after I dodge and duck to avoid it, it catches up to me, probably the slime holding me back? At this time it hits me, but I would say 99.8% of the time by the time this conflict makes contact with my gooey-slime it slides down towards my feet, I am done with it. I can't decide if it is because I have too much to stress about that I subconsciously refuse to deal with, or I really do have a lot to worry about and my brain and body can't jam one more item in? Or, there is a slight possibility, that I really don't worry about much, and thus just don't care about the stress attack, well, except for cleaning off the goo....
I don't know? But better yet, I don't think I care. Most of the time I believe I am true and perfect follower of the phrase, "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. ...," and in so many ways, may be the only reason I am still a bit sane? But what if I don't know the difference and just blow off everything?
O-Well.
However this began (some tangent of something totally different, I am sure), I think it is mostly coming from this eternal pressure I have began to put on myself these days. I have gazillion (real word-in the new dictionary!) interests and thoughts and ideas of something I want to do, write, create, buy, sew, cook, and again, another list that can go on and on. And most of the time I get too overwhelmed with just thinking of my options that I tire before the pen touches the paper, or any other graphic way I can describe the previous mentioned activities.
I guess I feel like everyday I have a continuing war within me. On one side, we have the the go getter, do it all-people pleaser verses the and the Bob Marley, everything is gonna be alright/take it easy and as it comes. I feel like a walking contradiction within sometimes. Like parts of me needs order and checklists, with well thought out goals, mostly so I don't waste time, however the other just wants to finger paint and see what comes?

On Your Marks, Get Set.....

I guess "go!" is all that is left?

I always have a problem when I get a new journal. This couldn’t be any truer, but I am a bit neurotic when it comes to finding that safe place to jot down my deepest secrets or biggest wishes. I guess I have always had this feeling that I am being watched, so when I finally do decide to write something in a journal(mind you, I never, ever, write on the first page of any journal-more on that later) I feel like I am always writing it for someone else to read, so in the end, I guess I never have found that safe place in the pages of some gorgeous leather bound intricate journal that I paid too much for and will never actually fill it all the way up, because I have always moved on to a new one at some point, as if changing the cover of my journal changed the outcome of what is in it. I must have at least nine, if not more, journals floating around. Not one of them have I written in to the last page. I have a very low attention span.
So all of that being said-why would someone geared the way I am subject her inspirations, dramas, and goals on the revolutionary break down of society, AKA the World Wide Web? I have no answer for that. Maybe it’s because I can edit the way it looks at any given time? More then anything, I just needed a place to start. I have been trying to be creative lately. Schedule time to be creative? Who does that? I mean, it comes to you when it comes to you. Don’t avoid the obvious desire to create anything! If we did, then there would be a lot of plans out there that never materialized from the cocktail napkin. When I realized how ludicrous this was, I decided this was as good of a starting block as any. Plus it is a perfect spot to get what I am actually moved to create; out in the open. Since I tend to give, sell or lose for some reason everything I have ever done, hopefully this will grow into a decent portfolio. At least it will get me motivated to put down all of the surreal dreams and ideas on something more permanent then my memory!